Change The Way You Look At Things

Most of the time we curse situations, people & their behavior towards us. We spoil our day just because of one odd unsavory incidence that was not in our control.

For example, you are driving at a normal speed & a young boy overtakes giving you a wry smile as if mocking your slow driving. You take the challenge head on & press the gas. After some distance you are stopped by the traffic police & handed a ticket. You reach office late & are summoned by the boss in his cabin. You get the dressing-down from him & you decide to skip the lunch. You give vent to your anger by shouting at your secretary & have a tiff with your friend on your way home. On reaching home, you see kids watching TV as usual. You admonish them for their TV watching habit & hold your wife responsible for their behavior. She gets cross with you & shuts & goes into room banging the door on you. You have a real bad day.

Rewind the scene; you are driving at a normal speed & a car overtakes you with driver giving you a wry smile as if mocking your slow driving. You ignore him taking him to be a young boy unable to control adrenaline rush & wave at him wishing him good luck. You see a traffic police handing him a ticket for speeding. You reach office on time & get absorbed in your work. Your boss calls you in his cabin to give you a new responsibility. You thank him for showing trust on you. You are complemented by your colleagues & hugged by your friend.  You have a nice drive with your friend reminiscing about the past. You reach home and decide to  celebrate your day with your family outside. You take them to a nearby restaurant & have dinner. Your wife tells you that you are the best husband of the world. You have a real good day.

Look how your day changed with the change in your outlook. This incidence may be imaginary but something like this happens in our life day in & day out. A small innocuous trigger spoils our day & funnily most of the time the incidence is caused by others & is not in our control. The other person might have not meant what we perceived or he might have not meant the same degree that we perceived. The young boy quoted above might have only smiled but two different outlooks created two diagonally opposite scenarios. Spoiling a day is understandable but people spoil their whole life because they attach so much importance to one incidence & refuse to change their outlook. They don't realize that the person who caused the incidence might not even remember it. Who is at loss?  

Same goes true for circumstances. One man sees these as hurdles while other looks at the same as opportunities. It will be puerile to conclude that outlook changes circumstances; it doesn't. But it does change the way you react to circumstances & that makes all the difference. Whether you are standing at the beginning of a road or at the end of it depends a lot on which way you are facing.

Secret Of A Happy Family

Few questions for all family members -

1) When was the last time you actively watched a cartoon serial with your kids? Actively means you discussed the characters & their funny acts.

2) When was it that you gave a surprise to your spouse? Not necessarily a big surprise in terms of size or cost but in terms of pleasant shock value. 

3) When was the last time you hugged your mother tight & said to her, "You are the best mom of the world."?

4) When was the last time you did something for your father that he always wanted you to do for him but you hated the job?

5) How many times you praise one another in a day?

6) When was the last time that you cancelled all your important appointments because your child insisted you to be with him? 

7) Do you eat together, pray together, go for a walk together or do any such activity?     (Watching TV together is the worst way to spend time together.)

The answers of the above mentioned questions will decide whether you are a happy family or not. Someone may contest the argument saying these are all bookish things and have no impact on family happiness index. He may say that I do none of these but we go for movie or for parent-teacher meeting, watch TV together for two hours daily, or we attend many parties together & we are quite happy. By doing these activities you may seem happy but your happiness is not real or is short-lived. You are happy as long as the activity is on but the moment activity is over, your happiness is gone. 

So, the question is, "What are the big things that make big difference in improving our family happiness index?" The answer is, "None." Yes, it is not the big things that make a big difference, but the small ones. Your son would have cherished the moment more when you prepared a cup of tea early morning for him during his exam than when you bought him a big gift. No doubt, he will remember the later one as well but only if it is combined with compassion & has some surprise element. He would not remember it if he insisted on it & you had no other option but to buy it for him. This is why surprise element is a big factor in improving family happiness index. This is the most important but the most ignored factor. 

Another way of improving happiness index is to create some magic moments. What is magic? It is doing something which is unexpected, pleasant to see & defies logic. Do the same with your family members & the more you do it, happier your family gets. One example of magic moment can be stopping a car by the road side all of a sudden & buying a rose bud for your daughter or for your wife to express your love for her. Remember, it has to be unexpected & pleasant. Again, value of the gift would be measured not by the cost but by the surprise element.

One more way to make a family happy is to share & communicate. It is surprising how much this small tip can shift your family life. Find some time to have a light conversation, crack a joke or tell them some inspiring story. Many a time we confuse communication with gossiping. Constructive conversation is about self while gossiping is about others.
In terms of setting priorities for life, family should always top the list. Many a time, I hear people saying I do everything for my family. It is a fallacy; an excuse to hide one's failure to give due attention to family. You don't need to sacrifice your life for your family; you only need to give them some magic moments & trust me, they will remember those moments for whole of their life & would love you no end.

Failure Inspires

When we undertake a task, we have only two options. Either we come out with flying colors or we bite the dust. Both can have far reaching ramifications. If we succeed we may feel motivated to start something new. It can give us confidence to do things which we would hesitate to imagine in ordinary circumstances. On the other hand success can make you arrogant & cocky. Ironically, many a time success can be the cause of a huge failure. 

Similarly, failing is a funny business. It can depress you so much that you go into a shell & lose all faith in your capabilities. It can hurt you badly & leave you wounded forever. Most of the people forget that failure is only one of the results that shows up for a particular action of theirs. In fact, failure teaches you more than success does. Failure is a sure shot way to grow, provided we accept failures in right spirit. 

Whether you become a loser or a winner in life will largely depend upon how you handle failures. And more importantly how you handle yourself when you fail. If you take failing only as a result, you will learn from it. But if you take failure as a serious issue & take it to heart, it can ruin you. We don't fall to remain on the ground forever; similarly, we don't fail to be in that state for long. Like falling teaches you  to walk, failing teaches you to succeed. But tragedy is that people take failure in any enterprise as a permanent comment on their capabilities. The fact is that a temporary failure tells you about your current status; it doesn't comment on your future prospects. Your future prospects will depend upon your future standing in that field which largely depend upon your current preparations for future challenges. 

It is not the failure that fails you in life; it is your response to the failure that decides your fate. And remember, if you are not encountering enough failures in your life, you are not having big enough goals. And small goals only give small results & lead to an average life. 

Happiness Is Within

One of the major aims of human life is to be happy. And the irony is the more we go after it, the farther it gets from us. We look for happiness in our bank balance, in a palatial house, in a luxury car. And more often than not, these very things rob us of whatever happiness we had before possessing these. How many times you have heard people saying," I was happier when I was not a rich man."? Why is it so that things which were supposed to bring joy attract untold miseries into our life? And the answer is because we misunderstand happiness.

All our life we chase happiness assuming it to be a thing, not an emotion. Things can give you comfort, they may bring security into your life, these may attract more people into your life; but things cannot bring happiness if you don't share these with others. Our basic instinct with things is that of hoarding, not of sharing. We think, the more things we collect, the happier we will get. In fact, it is the other way round. The more things we share, the more joy we attract into our life. Because, when we share things, we also send the emotions of happiness towards the other person. And the gratitude that he shows for the gift that he gets brings double joy in our life. 

Another thing to remember about happiness is that happiness of another person is essential to our own. It is as contagious as sadness is. You cannot feel happy if people around you are gloomy. How many times it happens that you are in a jolly mood & you hear the news of some natural disaster or some accident that brings misery to other people, you too go into depression? The disaster might have taken place on the other side of the globe & it has no bearing on your life but it affects you badly. It is because emotions don't know barriers or boundaries; they travel faster than light & affect all who come in contact. 

All the happiness that we presume to have got from success vanishes into thin air the moment we face another failure. It is because this happiness doesn't come from within; it originates from an outside source. So, the moment that source goes away, happiness also goes with it. Real happiness comes from within & flows out. If a person is really happy, people around him start feeling happy. They don't have negative emotions like jealousy, want, greed etc. They also want to be as happy as the other person but not at the cost of his happiness. Like water, happiness also flows from higher source to the lower. So, if you are happier than others, you should be making people around you happier. And you will also bathe in their reflected happiness!

Red Light Mentality

Ever observed people on a red light? You will see most of the people waiting anxiously for the red light to turn green. So much so that they keep their vehicles on, so that they don't waste a single moment when the light turns green. Some are furious & cursing the futility of these unnecessary stoppages as they like life to be smooth & non-stop. And as soon as the light turns green, they press the gas and zoom pass the crossing. Their joy is short-lived as they meet another traffic signal and find almost same vehicles around them that they zoomed past on last crossing. They start cursing again & the journey continues. 

We are a generation with red-light mentality. Our life has a lot of similarity with traffic signal. We want to reach our destination too fast but have too little time. So, time management is a hot issue. In fact, it is not the time management but life management that needs to be addressed. Once life is managed, time will manage itself. After all, we all have 24 hours a day; you minus 8 hours of sleep & are left with 16 hours of active time to manage, or manage your life so that you make best use of these 16 hours. 

Stephen Covey, in his monumental work on time management, 'First things First', categorized people based on the way they approach life vis-a-vis time. First category is of people who are largely dependent on reminder-tools like clocks & watches. These tools are not very effective as these only work to alert the person about the job in hand; but is of not much help to perform the job efficiently. 

Second generation is of people who manage their time according to calendars and appointment books. Their goals are also set based on these and hence, never have long term goals in their life. Third generation includes people who plan, prioritize & control activities on daily basis. This method implies spending some time in clarifying values & other priorities. This method can be used to achieve daily goals. But to achieve long term life-goals one should adopt the fourth method which is being efficient & proactive in using any of the above tools. It places importance to goals & roles and plans time accordingly. 

The important thing is not to have 24 hours a day but to 'make' 24 hours a day. It is of utmost importance for all to understand four quadrant that Covey offered to plan your life. First quadrant is the quadrant of necessity which includes tasks that are important & urgent. It includes crises & dead-line driven projects. Try to manage this quadrant the best you can as you cannot afford to ignore this quadrant. Second quadrant is the quadrant of quality & personal leadership which includes tasks that are important but not urgent. This is the most important quadrant as it teaches one to be efficient & proactive but ironically, is also the most ignored quadrant. It covers areas like preparation, planning, prevention, relationships etc. We must spend most of our time in this quadrant.  It might not show immediate result but is very effective to plan life on a long term basis. Third quadrant is the quadrant of deception which is not important but looks very urgent. It includes many interruptions like unnecessary phone calls & other pressing activities. Be careful about this quadrant. These activities may appear urgent in relation to your goals but actually are not, & they consume a lot of your important time. And the fourth & last quadrant is the quadrant of waste. As the name suggests it includes tasks that are neither important nor urgent. It has a lot of trivia, gossips & other time wasters. Avoid this quadrant as much as possible. The more time you spend here, the lesser goals you achieve.

You see, it is again not managing your time but  managing the life which is important. Once we manage our life according to these quadrants, we will not only achieve our goals but will also live a relaxed life. Special thanks to Covey for bringing this to our notice; now it's our turn to implement these & enjoy the life.     

Work Your Way To Success

The quote, "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary", has been attributed to many people including Mark Twain, Vince Lombardi & Vidal Sassoon. But it doesn't matter now as they all passed the same message, though in different words. One thing that each human being craves for is the desire to be successful in a particular field. Sometimes, he wants success so badly that he is ready to stake his existence for the same. Achieving success in life has many secret formulas but one that is known to all but practised by a few is hard work. People want to get everything in life without giving it everything. They want to reach their destination on time without driving at required speed. 

There is no doubt that there are many other essential ingredients of success formula e.g. a strong vision, short term & long term goals or will to succeed. We can't reach anywhere if we don't know our destination or if we don't have a will to go. It will be no more than daydreaming. You also need to have a strong plan to reach your destination. As The French writer, Antoine de Saint said in very succinct style, " A goal without a plan is just a wish." So, you need all these & many more factors to succeed in any enterprise. But one thing that is indispensable to success is hard work.

Hard work is the key which more often than not opens the lock of gate to success. People at times choose huge goals only to find themselves staring at failure after some time. The reason of their failure is not their huge goals but that they did not put in efforts equivalent to the size of their goals. There comes a time in your life when everyone else seems to be luckier than you. You think that others get much better result with almost no effort & you, despite putting your best foot forward don't get the deserving result. The fact is that you only see the output. You cannot comment on the input simply because you don't see it. The guy who looks so relaxed in the morning might be the same guy who burnt midnight oil.

Not necessarily, a person will get success in the first go. He may fall hundred times but if he gets up hundred & one times, he will eventually succeed. As Babe Ruth puts it, " It is hard to beat a person who never gives up". A person who gives his maximum to whatever he undertakes is bound to meet success unimagined in common hours.

Shop Right

If asked from variety of people about their reason of doing a particular job, the usual answer would be-"I do it to for the security of my family." And they take pride in stating this as this statement seems to put the family first. But it actually makes him & people around him a laggard in life as far as happiness is concerned. We get the whole equation wrong simply because we don't understand the question right. Life doesn't need a security cover; it needs a happiness cover. The problem with most of us is that we confuse happiness with security. We think that we are happy as long as we are secure and the tragedy is we neither understand happiness nor security.

Happiness is not a thing but a state and therefore it cannot be had in exchange of anything. All our life we keep running after money, security, financial freedom, palatial houses, luxury cars & all other toys to make ourselves & people around us happy. The paradox is while we are adding all these items to our shopping cart, someone is swapping a credit card & debiting a large amount of happiness from our happiness bank. When we bring these items home, we also get some so called freebies like greed, ego & stress. Ironically, the more secure we feel, the more security we yearn for & we are caught in a vicious cycle. 

This happens because we also misunderstand security. In the beginning we work for our basic needs but once we have it, we swiftly move to ultra-luxury items & never stop. Initially, having our basic necessities have some bearing on our happiness index, but once we reach to a certain level, hoarding these things doesn't affect our state of happiness. In fact, it takes a lot away from us & only gives us pain. What we should understand is that security is nothing but our ability to perform a particular job. As long as we are adequate to do a job we should not worry about security- financial or social. Instead of hoarding money and toys, one should hoard skills & talents. 

Remember, happiness also comes at a price & the price is your abnegation of all material pursuits. This is not to say that we don't need some basic necessities but what we don't need is mindless hoarding of luxuries at the cost of happiness.