We Are Not Our Genders

In his bestselling book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', John Gray attributed the relationship issues between men & women to the fundamental differences in the thinking pattern of two genders. While I appreciate the monumental work that Gray did to present his views on the topic, I don't fully agree with the idea that the emotional differences between the two individuals are because of the difference of their gender. This proposition indicates towards a particular fixed mindset of either of the genders & therefore indirectly suggests that we should respond to the gender rather than to the individual.

Regardless of the gender, each individual has a certain thinking pattern which keeps changing as per the environment around him. Responding to the environment is certainly not the ideal condition. If you do so, you are designed by the conditions around you instead of designing the environment around you. You are at your best when you don't allow the conditions influence your thinking. On the contrary, you bring a paradigm shift in the general thought pattern around you by your persistent efforts. No doubt, it is a herculean task but it is worth the efforts. You can either be influenced by the people around you or you can influence them through your efforts.

I am not suggesting to be rigid in approach. What I am suggesting is that all individuals, irrespective of their gender, have particular way of thinking, reacting or responding. Study them closely as an individual; know their traits & blemishes & accept them as they are. The problem with fixed mindset is that rejection comes first & acceptance comes last. Dealing with an individual on the basis of gender is akin to considering him as an object rather than a live-wire of varied emotions. Both, men & women are from earth & we should deal with them on earth rather than going for a trip to the outer space  to solve our problems.

Leaders Are Not Born

There has always been a debate on whether leaders are born or made. How do we settle the issue? It can only be done if we closely look at the way two different kinds of leaders behave. 

Those who are born leaders consider ruling over people their birth right. Serving others doesn't come naturally to them. They can't tolerate failures because they have not seen many.

On the other hand leaders who are made by hard efforts know the value of the reward. They know the value because they have paid the price- the price of hard efforts, many failures & a lot of criticism. Any leader  who has gone through tough time respects opinion of others & wants others to express their views. He believes in distributing power instead of using it to muzzle the opinions of others. 

This is true for all kinds of leaders- political leader, social leader or a business leader. A true leader must pay the price of hard effort before he succeeds. Unless he achieves success the hard way, he will not attach price to it & will lose it sooner than later. 
The other point of discussion especially in business circles has been about the capabilities of a 'leader by effort' vis-a-vis 'a natural leader'. No doubt, a natural leader understands the nature of job quite quickly & uses his natural talents to adapt to the requirements of the job. On the other hand, ' leader by effort' has to make hard efforts to meet the requirements of his job. But once he does so, he gives it his hundred percent while a natural leader tends to relax after reaching his primary goal. The reason of this behavior is again the cost that 'leader by effort' paid to get to his goal. 
So, if you are toiling hard to reach a goal or you think that you don't have natural talents to be something, worry not; you deserve that goal no less than somebody who thinks he is born leader. The world will take a bow once you achieve your goal. For now, just keep walking towards the direction of your dreams !

Conquer The Self

Our  whole life is nothing but a series of hard-fought battles. From an early age man is taught to fight for his right, justice & for his place in society. We fight battles with our problems, obstacles & many other external demons. We also have daily tussles in our relationship- with our spouses, children & friends. We fight our own limitations to do some unthinkable acts. And most of the time we kiss victory & feel like taking a victory lap. But we are unable do so because after every such battle, we feel conked out; we are badly bruised & hurt. We win the battle but lose a lot in bargain- our relationship, our energy & most importantly, we lose peace of mind. 

Another distinct characteristic of a battle of relationship is that both the sides are victorious but after some time both feel like losers. Their victory is short-lived & there is no joy in it. They feel like being friends again but fear that they will lose some ground in the bargain & stick to their positions whole life. They have a lot of people around them, some complementing them on their hard-fought victory, some others egging them on to get ready for another one. In spite of these people around them, they feel lonely.  

We also engage in a fierce battle with our fellow human beings. To be one-up with our neighbor, to get a better raise than our colleagues, to get a promotion much faster than others, to be the wealthiest & the most powerful man in our circle. And many of us achieve this goal.  We win the battle & possess a lot of wealth, be the power-center but lose inner peace, health & people on the way to our goal. Not a good bargain! We have a lot of wealth but live a life of utter poverty. We have people hanging around us not because we are special or loving but because they can use us in their battles. We realize that top is a lonely place but we are too tired to climb down & cry quietly. 

Instead of fighting many false battles we should gear up to fight one real battle & that is to conquer the self. The demons within us are more dangerous than the demons without. The demons of avarice, fear & hatred harm us more than the demons outside. And once we conquer these demons, we will conquer the world. The important point to note is that after this victory we will be fresher than ever, will have more friends than ever & will lead an abundant life.

Listening Is Wisdom

We pass the lion's share of our life speaking & a very small portion listening to others. Though, in both cases, we communicate.

Primarily, we speak for two reasons; either we want to give knowledge or we want to show-off our knowledge. We want to give knowledge when we think we are better equipped to do so vis-a-vis listener. There is nothing wrong with this part of communication as long as we live up to our image. The purpose of this kind of communication should be to leave the listener in a happier state than he was before the  communication & this will only happen when he will gain something from the discussion. Every communication should lead the listener to a positive direction & should leave him in a better frame of mind. If communication has failed to do so, it is not an effective communication & should be avoided. 

Listening is always a better bargain than speaking. When we listen we are on the receiving end- receiving end of knowledge. The problem is when we are not able to decide what to listen & what not to. This happens for two reasons- First, because we don't know the purpose of our listening and secondly because we don't know how to listen. 

The purpose of listening is to be better than before mentally, spiritually & intellectually. When we control our listening with these criterion in mind, we always gain knowledge. Second hindrance in meaningful listening is not knowing how to listen. As Stephen Covey put it, 
  "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." 

When we listen with the intent to reply, we are not interested in learning but in showing-off our limited knowledge & in engaging in the game of one-upmanship. This is the cardinal mistake that most listeners commit & they are, therefore, devoid of gaining wisdom. 

But the best conversation is that a person has with self. He is a speaker as well as a listener. We should learn how to listen to our own conversation.This can be done only if we recognize our inner voice & shut out the noise of outside world. 
When we speak, we gain knowledge; when we listen, we gain wisdom; and when we listen to self, we get enlightened.

Learning - The Right Way

The best stage of learning is considered to be childhood. It is in this stage that a human being not only learns most but also retains it for maximum period. Most of our mannerisms, our speech habits etc. are learnt in this stage. And the reason is that he is not made to learn by telling or teaching. He is not told to pick an object and he is not taught how to walk. He is shown the way to do these activities & he copies the acts to perfection. He is involved in the activity. Most of the things that he learns during childhood stick to his memory for a long time. Not that these activities are simple & easy. It is a complex issue for a child to pick the cup & take it to his lip to drink something. Most of the things that we do for the first time are complex for us because our mind is not ready for the action. It is when we get into the thick of action that mind starts learning the process & does the activity with greater ease.

Three common ways of guiding a person is by telling, by teaching & by involving him in the learning process. The objective in all the three processes is the same & almost same degree of efforts is required in all three processes. So what are the major differences & why learning by involvement yields best results? Let's take one at a time.

When we tell a child to do something, we are standing at different pedestals. As soon as I start telling him to do something, I declare that I am superior to you. And this one action takes the child miles away from the real process. He treats the teller as an outsider who is trying to disturb his natural way of learning. It might look that he is following your commands but from inside he is rejecting you. These emotions hamper his learning and he retains only part of the process that might be useful to him & rejects the rest. 

The second way of guiding a child is by teaching him. Again there is a yawning chasm between the learner & the guide. What happens in most of our schools is not learning but only collection of knowledge for some purpose. Our children become no more than a dustbin of knowledge. Through this method we only dump information into their heads. By & by, child starts taking the school as a knowledge center & not a learning center. A child listens to a teacher not because he considers him to be genuine but because he doesn't have a choice to reject him. In fact, most of the students consider internet to be a better choice than a teacher because to the former they can give command while they take commands from the later. Education is not about imparting knowledge; it is about making him find the light.

            "Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel." - Socrates

The best way of learning is through active involvement of the child. When we involve a child in the whole process, he identifies himself easily with the guide- be it a parent or a teacher. His whole body responds positively as there is no competition. Both the teacher & the learner are standing at the same platform & understand things from each other's perspective. This process lays stress on sharing. Sometimes the child considers himself to be a teacher when the guide asks him questions to test whether he has imbibed the learning. He takes joy in telling the answer in detail & because the guide is also involved, he appreciates the child. So, both the child & the guide enjoy this process. Learning becomes a matter of joy, not compulsion. And the biggest benefit is that the child not only learns what is being taught through this method but also how to be a good teacher. Since he likes the behavior of the guide, he tries to be the same & thus a flame is kindled for next generation.

    "Kids don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are." 

                                                                                                                         - Jim Henson

Truly In Love

Man is an emotional animal. With so much of chaos around us, love has become an indispensable emotion. But, there are some prerequisites to love someone. Not that you would require these traits in you if you love someone, but it will surface from nowhere & you would surprise yourself. 

When you love someone, you surrender yourself to that person. The first thing that you surrender is your ego. Ego is one emotion that separates us from animals. Human beings have this in plenty & as they grow up, they accumulate it as a prized possession. Ego is just opposite of love. Once ego builds a covering around us, we become inaccessible to any form of love. And since we don't feel the compassion of others, we fail to express it as well. So, the first step of loving a person is to shed the ego.

The next thing to remember is that you don't love someone for any reason. You don't love someone because he or she is young or beautiful, smart or intelligent, rich or powerful; you just love him or her for being what the person is. You love the person, not the trait in him. Love between two persons doesn't die or become less intense as they grow old. On the contrary, if they are truly in love, it will only get more intense. If love has diminished, it only indicates you loved not the person, but something that he had, and that something has diminished with the passage of time.

Love doesn't demand anything. It only knows giving & doesn't expect anything in return. Unrequited love is a misnomer as love doesn't require the return of favor from another person. But there are few things that happen on their own when you are in love. It gives you strength & increases your self-worth as you feel wanted. But, to have a good self-esteem you don't need to love others or get loved; just start loving yourself as you are & you will increase your self-worth.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu 

When you are in love, the things which look insignificant to others mean a lot to you & things which mean a world to others become insignificant to you. So, while others are busy building castles, people in love are living their dream. While others are planning about years ahead, they are living their moments. Even a stroll in the park with your partner becomes so valuable that you treasure it for whole of your life. When you have love of your life around you, even simple things become special. Things which never interested you become special because it means so much to your partner.

When such things happen in your life, you can be sure that you have got someone that you can't live without. Celebrate as you are truly in love!  

Freedom Of Choice

Human race is the story of untold miseries, struggles & achievements. Many of the miseries were natural, did a lot of damage but we survived those. Some other miseries were brought by few despots trying to be the power to control the world externally but we overcame them as well. But the real misery that we are still trying to overcome is the misery of living a borrowed life. And it has a lot to do with the freedom of choice which Viktor Frankl called as 'the last of human freedoms' in his magnum opus 'Man's Search For Meaning' -

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:the last of human freedoms-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Viktor E. Frankl.

The trouble begins when we surrender this freedom of choice to external circumstances which are transient. Our circumstances are transient but the behavior pattern that we develop once we surrender this freedom becomes an integral part of our existence & refuses to cooperate & our misery continues.

In this ever changing world, one thing has always remained constant & that is struggle for individuality. Struggle to safe guard our individuality becomes a much greater challenge than struggle for survival. We learn survival techniques much faster because we are supported in this endeavor by people close to us-our parents, our teachers, our peer group. On the contrary, we are opposed by the same group of people when we try to be ourselves. They oppose because they surrendered their freedom & individuality much earlier and behave as if they were much better-off now. They feel so because they don't have to choose what they have to be; they become what the world around them wants them to be. Now they want us to live the same fallacy & conform to their ideas. 

While we have so much of struggle, failures & miseries, we also have a lot of achievements to write home about. And most of these have been because of the people who refused to surrender their individuality; their freedom of choice. The world by opposing them made them much stronger than the adverse circumstances. They protected their 'last of human freedoms' as if their survival depended on it. They surrendered everything but their right to be themselves. They didn't only survive; they lived an abundant life.