Prisoner Of Limiting Beliefs

Man is born free but he doesn't die a free man. When we come to this world we are quite light because we are not bound with restrictions. We can do whatever we want & it is primarily because people think we cannot do much & slowly we begin to crawl. People around us feel delighted as we take our first steps. They even clap, take snaps, capture the steps in video & show it to others with a glow of pride. Then we venture out & mix in society, learn new things & make friends. By & by, we learn to adapt ourselves to different environment. We also develop different behavioral patterns suiting different circles. We are different when we are with our friends but behave differently when we are with our parents or teachers. We think we have learned the tricks of the trade & our parents assume we have become worldly-wise. They in fact encourage us to behave differently. The point they miss is that by doing so we are becoming slaves of our circumstances. We are taught to respond in a certain manner in a particular situation, & the next time similar situation arises, we behave similarly. Our mind starts thinking & behaving in a particular manner. If someone else behaves differently in similar situation we call him idiosyncratic. We pick patterns, respond & pass our whole life like that. But, by behaving so we also become prisoners of some limiting beliefs & we don't even realize so. We divide our life into two sections- things that can be done & things that can't be. 

The question arises- Why don't we break these beliefs & patterns & be free?

This situation reminds me of an interesting story of a chained elephant. When a person saw an elephant tied to a pole with a very weak leash, he asked the mahout the reason of elephant not breaking free even though it can do so in single effort as the leash is too weak to offer any resistance. Mahout replied that he tied the elephant with that leash when it was a baby. It tried to break free many times when it was a child but failed as the elephant was not strong enough at that age. And now the elephant doesn't even try because it has developed a pattern in its mind that it cannot break free howsoever hard it may try. So, I open the chain whenever I need the elephant & make it work as per my needs. Once the work is finished, I bring it back here & chain it again. We are more or less like that elephant.

Just like the elephant we remain a prisoner all our life to our limiting belief patterns, to  circumstances, to our routine, to similar job & to many such things. Most of our patterns are difficult to go because we think they are made for us. We don't behave any other way because we don't know any other way. We come to this world a free man but die like a prisoner. What a waste of a life!

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will."

                                                                                                                         - Charlotte Bronte. 

Magic Moments- Secret Of A Happy Family

Few questions from all family members -

1) When was the last time you actively watched a cartoon serial with your kids? Actively means you discussed the characters & their funny acts.

2) When was it that you gave a surprise to your spouse? Not necessarily a big surprise in terms of size or cost but in terms of pleasant shock value. 

3) When was the last time you hugged your mother tight & said to her, "You are the best mom of the world."?

4) When was the last time you did something for your father that he always wanted you to do for him but you hated the job?

5) How many times you praise one another in a day?

6) When was the last time that you cancelled all your important appointments because your child insisted you to be with him? 

7) Do you eat together, pray together, go for a walk together or do any such activity? Watching TV together is the worst way to spend time together.

The answers of the above mentioned questions will decide whether you are a happy family or not. Someone may contest the argument saying these are all bookish things and have no impact on family happiness index. He may say that I do none of these but we go for movie or for parent-teacher meeting, watch TV together for two hours daily, or we attend many parties together & we are quite happy. By doing these activities you may seem happy but your happiness is not real or is short-lived. You are happy as long as the activity is on but the moment activity is over, your happiness is gone. 

So, the question is, "What are the big things that make big difference in improving our family happiness index?" The answer is, "None." Yes, it is not the big things that make a big difference, but the small ones. Your son would cherish the moment more when you prepared a cup of tea early morning for him during his exam than when you bought him a big gift. No doubt, he will remember the later one as well but only if it is combined with compassion & has some surprise element. He would not remember it if he insisted on it & you had no other option but to buy it for him. This is why surprise element is a big factor in improving family happiness index. This is the most important but the most ignored factor. 

Another way of improving happiness index is to create some magic moments. What is magic? It is doing something which is unexpected, pleasant to see & defies logic. Do the same with your family members & the more you do it, happier your family gets. One example of magic moment can be stopping a car by the road side all of a sudden & buying a rose bud for your daughter or for your wife to express your love for her. Remember, it has to be unexpected & pleasant. Again, value of the gift would be measured not by the cost but by the surprise element.

One more way to make a family happy is to share & communicate. It is surprising how much this small tip can shift your family life. Find some time to have a light conversation, crack a joke or tell them some inspiring story. Many a time we confuse communication with gossiping. Constructive conversation is about self while gossiping is about others.
In terms of setting priorities for life, family should always top the list. Many a time, I hear people saying I do everything for my family. It is a fallacy; an excuse to hide one's failure to give due attention to family. You don't need to sacrifice your life for your family; you only need to give them some magic moments & trust me, they will remember those moments for whole of their life & would love you no end.

De-Generation Gap

We are living in the age of conflicts, most of which originate from misunderstanding. We have conflicts between two nations, between different communities, between states & provinces. Conflicts don't add anything to our life but they give us a lot of pain. And when the conflict is in the family, it pains us the most. When we live together, there is bound to be difference of thoughts & opinions & the difference is more when people belong to different age group. This difference is not because of difference in age but because of different mind-set. One generation is risk-friendly, wants to achieve its goals at any cost, believes in YOLO (You Only Live Once) philosophy. The other generation is risk-averse, lives an easy-paced life & thinks they know more because they have passed more years than their counterparts. The cause of conflict is that both are looking at the world from different platforms. Their views clash because their perspective differs.

This can be resolved if both the generation meet somewhere in the middle & try to change their own perspective rather than trying to change other's. Parents need to understand that they too were young only a few years back & they had same weaknesses & challenges that the younger generation is now putting up with. If you can't be in their shoes, try to be in your own old shoes. 

"Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it." 

                                                                                                                                - Dr Haim Ginott

Their argument is, since they have committed the mistakes in their youth & have experienced the pains, they don't want the generation next to go through the same. But they forget that in the process of safeguarding them from the pain, they are giving heartaches to themselves. Moreover, forcing the issue will be more harmful than letting them fail & learn. 

"People never learn anything by being told; they have to find out for themselves." 

                                                                                                                                   - Paulo Coelho

Sometimes, children complain that their parents behave like children. In fact, as they grow old, they do behave so. They are also going through a transition phase & need compassion & understanding. They pampered you a lot in your childhood; what about returning the favor? If they are talking about discipline, it is because they want you to achieve your goals. Remember, the banks of the river ultimately help the river to flow towards ocean. An overflowing river is not only bad for others, but also self-destructive. Many a time we do things that our parents warn us against & pay a heavy price. 

"Every generation thinks that it has the answers, and every generation is humbled by nature."

                                                                                                                                    - Phillip Lubin  
Once both the generations make a paradigm shift, their worlds will change & most of the ideas which seemed out-dated or outrageous would appear quite logical. Remember, it is always easier to change one's own vision than changing the whole world of the other person.

Happiness Vitamin- B1

Whole life people chase happiness but only few blessed souls are able to find it. And they find it at the most unexpected place- under their own feet. It is strange that we chase happiness all over the place and find it in a small corner of our big heart. Most of the people don't realize that happiness is an inside job; it is not connected to anything external. And this happens because we don't understand happiness; we mistake it for temporary pleasure that we derive from material things. Most of the time, our happiness is dependent on people, things & circumstances. All these factors are outside our control. In short, we give control of our happiness to factors not controlled by us & rue the fact that we are not happy & become what people or circumstances make us.

First step that a person should take to be happy is to stop chasing it. When you chase happiness, you look for it in the outside world. Do the opposite. Forget about getting happy; just be happy. Yes, be happy! I know it is easier said than done but I also know there is no other way to be happy. When we live our routine life, we encounter situations which give us a lot of pain, make us gloomy & hit hard. The more we try to forget these, the deeper we get into this mess. We cannot wish the bitter situation away but we can definitely move ourselves away from people or situations that make us sad. On the contrary, we think only about the people who pained us or cheated us. When someone tells us to forget the bad chapter of our life & move ahead, our response is, "Forget? Someone ruined my life & you are asking me to forget it!" The fact is he is yet not over
with you or, to rephrase it more logically, you are yet not over with him. He might have gone away from you but you are still carrying him on your back. Now, you are carrying him even longer & he is getting heavier & heavier. What about him? May be he has moved on with his life or he is enjoying the ride! Whatever the case, it doesn't affect him much but your life is a virtual hell. If you can't reject the situation, accept it. And the first step of accepting any bitter situation is to forgive the person who caused the bad situation. The moment you do it, you will feel lighter as the monkey you were carrying is now off your back. Now enjoy your life and realize that you are responsible for all the happy & painful moments in your life. This one thought will give you a lot of happiness.    

    "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet." 

                                                                                                                            - James Openheim

Secondly, try to understand happiness. It is not a thing but an emotion. And emotions cannot be bought, borrowed or stolen. Emotions have to be felt & spread. Sometimes, we confuse happiness with pleasure. Happiness is a long-term emotion while pleasure comes & goes. When you watch a movie, you experience whole range of emotions but you generally get over these as soon as movie ends. You know it is not for real. Similarly, the pleasure we derive from materialistic pursuits doesn't last long. On the contrary, happiness that you derive by achieving some personal goal or by spending quality time with your family is long-term & you cherish those moments whole of your life. This is the reason that life is not lived in years but in moments.

Remember, happiness is optional & it starts with you. If you are happy, the world around you becomes happy but not the other way round. So, start from self. Be happy to make others happy.

Change It Now

How often do we find people cribbing about bad habits, circumstances or people around them? But hardly do we find them taking action to bring about a change. They like to maintain the status quo because they find it difficult to change. There are three basic reasons why people avoid change- 

1) They strongly believe they cannot change.

2) They don't find a strong enough reason to change.

3) They don't have discipline to bring the change.

First reason is the commonest of all for people not to change. Most of the people very strongly believe in being the same person year after year. They think old habits are the result of years of actions & it will take same number of years to get rid of these. This is a wrong notion. We don't form habits intentionally; they just happen. And because we don't have power of intention behind formation of those habits, they take a long time to form. On the contrary, when you want to change something, you have an intention which propels you to a jet-paced change in the desired direction. As long as you believe you cannot change; you don't change. So, change in the mindset is necessary for any change to take place. 

The power of intention comes only when someone has a powerful reason to change. Quite often, people don't change because they don't find a strong internal reason to change. It has been seen time & again that the moment someone finds a reason to change, even the most obstinate habits give way to new ones. It doesn't take much time. At times, it happens in a moment. So many times we see in a family that despite our best efforts a child doesn't get up early in the morning. You give him all kinds of reasons to get up with the lark & study, all in vain. But the day you have to go for a picnic early morning, he is the guy who wakes you up! How did this change take place?  It all happened because he got a strong reason to change his old & obstinate habit, albeit for a day. So, if you want to change something in you, find a strong & rational reason to do so & the rest will take care of itself. Also attach a lot of pleasure to the benefits of change that will take place. This will work as a big motivating factor to go in the direction of change.

Third reason for change not taking place is lack of discipline. How often it happens that we start something new with much fanfare but it goes up in smoke? Quite often! And the reason for not sustaining the new habit is that we don't have the required discipline to go the distance. We operate most of our life by desire, by impulse. Discipline teaches us to operate it by principles. Discipline, therefore, is the most important cog in the wheel of change. 

If we strongly believe that we can do something repeatedly, knowingly, for a strong reason & for a certain period which is long enough to develop a new habit that is based on principle rather than on desire, we would bring a meaningful change in our life. 

Ego Consciousness To God Consciousness

There have been many theories of how human life came into being. But the best one is which suggests that we came from an energy field known by different people & sects by different names. Some call it God; some other name it soul or pure consciousness. A child is the best example of this pure consciousness as he is bereft of any humanly characteristics like greed, want, anger, resentment etc. He is not from God; he is God. He is in harmony with nature's law & his frequency matches with that of divinity. If we are in harmony with this source, we will have all the attributes that a soul has. This source is infinite & eternal. 

The trouble begins when we move from pure consciousness to ego consciousness. Pure consciousness encompasses all while ego consciousness is limited to self. When we hang out to those false ideas of ego, we reject everyone, become judgmental about others & get misaligned. Now, we start working with a different frequency which is aligned to more worldly pursuits. We start our human experience & start thinking in terms of materialistic goals. Ego consciousness keeps us away from everyone else & tries to create a false world which is self-centered & is all excluding. We want to have more, win more & be more. 

On the contrary when we stay connected to God consciousness, we become formless, changeless & deathless. We are limitless & our soul wants us to achieve more than we can dream. We don't walk; we fly because we are light. While ego consciousness is about having, wanting & collecting, God consciousness is about giving, abnegating & sharing. Ego consciousness thinks in terms of attaining power; God consciousness thinks in terms of giving power to others. God consciousness is about serving, loving & getting detached from outcome.

The best part is that this human experience is only a small dot in the eternity of our spiritual journey. And if we can merge this dot into eternity by making this experience also a spiritual one, we would serve our cause of coming to this planet. 

Wonderland

One of the side-effects of gaining knowledge is losing our sense of looking at things from a different perspective. At times, knowledge tends to imply, though mistakenly, that we have known all that is needed to be known. The fact is we don't know even 1% of our own being, leave apart the rest of the world. The vision of some people gets narrower & narrower as they gain more & more knowledge. The world looks a dreary place to them simply because they lose their sense of wonder which, by far, is the greatest of all human attributes. We miss the grand spectacle of nature around us & lead a monotonous life. 

When we miss to observe as simple a thing as a raindrop, we don't miss only a raindrop; we miss a universe in the raindrop. With the help of a very powerful microscope, scientists have documented that there are hundreds of life-forms in each raindrop. They are of different colors, shapes & sizes & each one of these has unique characteristics. This is not to say that when we observe a raindrop, we are able to see these life-forms; this is to carry home the point that when we miss a raindrop, we miss a whole universe. Same way we miss the miracles happening around us every day. And then we complain about life being boring.
"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life will change.
                                                                                                                      -Buddha
 If we could observe the miracle of a flower blooming or a blade of grass coming out slowly; life would be a wonderland every moment.  We don't see the same things again & again every day; we miss different things every moment. There is so much to see & appreciate around us if we open our eyes to this beauty. This will happen when we attain the real wisdom; when we accept nature as the center of universe & human-being as the most wonderful creation of God. 

"Mystery creates wonder & wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand."

                                                                                                               -Neil Armstrong

All the great inventors, scientists, explorers had one thing common in them & that was their sense of mystery for the unknown. They went for the unknown because they believed that there existed something they were not able to see but that didn't deterred them to believe it. In fact, this sense of wonder became the basis for most of their research. What we see today is only 1% of the universe; what we miss is more than 99%.